Friendliness: why do some people make friends so easily?

You start a new job. By Friday, one of your new colleagues already knows everyone's name, has had lunch with half the department and has been invited to a birthday party.

You, on the other hand, have mostly said hello in the corridor. You like the people well enough. You just haven't really let anyone in yet.

Why do some people seem to turn strangers into friends almost without trying, while others keep a polite distance for months?

Part of the answer lies in what psychologists call friendliness. In the Big Five model, it is one of six facets of extraversion. The facet describes how warmly you meet other people, and how quickly you let them come close.

What does friendliness mean?

In everyday speech, "friendly" often means polite or kind. In personality psychology the meaning is narrower: openly showing that you like people, and finding it natural to form close bonds with them. In older questionnaires the same facet is often called warmth.

People who score high often recognise themselves in this:

• You make friends easily.
• You feel comfortable around people, even ones you have just met.
• You show openly that you like someone.
• You let new acquaintances come close fairly quickly.
• People often describe you as warm or approachable.

A low score does not mean you are cold, hostile or unkind. It mainly means you are more reserved with people you do not know well, and that closeness takes longer to build.

The key is not how nice you are, but how readily you reach out and let others in.

The liking gap: people like you more than you think

One reason many of us hold back is that we underestimate how well we come across.

In a series of studies, researchers had strangers talk to each other and then asked both people how much they liked their partner, and how much they thought their partner liked them. Again and again, people underestimated how much the other person liked them and enjoyed their company. The researchers called this the liking gap.

They found it between strangers in the lab, among first-year students getting to know their dorm mates, and among adults meeting at a workshop. Among the students, the gap lasted for several months.

The liking gap is not the same as low friendliness. It shows up in most people. But it illustrates a mechanism that can keep you at a distance: if you assume the other person is only being polite, you are less likely to take the next step.

Friendship takes hours, not chemistry

We often talk about friendship as instant chemistry. Research suggests it is more about time.

Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall asked adults who had recently moved, and first-year students during their first nine weeks at university, how much time they spent with new acquaintances. The more hours people spent together, the closer the friendships became. Time spent on leisure, such as hanging out and doing things together, mattered more than time spent working side by side.

According to the university's summary of the study, it took roughly 50 hours to go from acquaintance to casual friend, around 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend.

This helps explain why friendliness matters. People who score high say yes to coffee, invite people along and start small conversations. That way they collect the hours that friendship requires more quickly.

Small conversations count too

Friendliness is not only about close friends.

In a study of everyday social life, students felt happier and had a stronger sense of belonging on days when they talked to more classmates than usual. Later studies that included all kinds of daily interactions found the same pattern: contact with acquaintances, the people on the edge of our social lives, was also linked to well-being.

For people high in friendliness, these small moments come naturally. For low scorers they may take more effort, but the research suggests they are worth it.

Friendliness is not the same as agreeableness

This is an important distinction, especially because the words sound so similar.

Agreeableness is about how you treat people: being considerate, cooperative, trusting and helpful. Friendliness is about how quickly and openly you connect with them.

You can be deeply kind and helpful, but reserved and slow to make friends. You can also be warm and outgoing in a way that makes friends quickly, while still being blunt or competitive.

Interestingly, a large review of personality and friendship found that agreeableness had the most consistent effects on how friendships form and last, followed by neuroticism. The effects of extraversion were real, but less consistent. Making friends quickly is one thing; keeping them is another.

Friendliness is also different from gregariousness. Gregariousness is about enjoying crowds and parties. You can be very warm in one-to-one conversations and still prefer to avoid large gatherings.

What does a high or low score mean?

High friendliness

You find it easy to approach people and to show that you like them. New acquaintances often feel welcome around you, and you tend to build a wide circle of friends.

The flip side can be that you let people come close before you know them well, or that you spread yourself across many relationships.

Low friendliness

You keep a certain distance from people until you know them better. Others may see you as reserved or hard to get to know at first.

That does not mean your friendships are weaker. Many low scorers have fewer, but deep and long-lasting relationships, and they are often valued for being steady and genuine.

Both descriptions are about typical tendencies, not rules that hold in every situation.

In everyday life

• At work: High scorers often become the social glue in a team. Low scorers may be seen as distant at first, so it can help to make small, deliberate gestures such as asking colleagues along to lunch.
• When moving to a new place: Building a new circle takes time for everyone. If you score low, it helps to join something regular, such as a club or a course, so the hours add up without you having to start every contact yourself.
• In relationships: A partner with a very different score may experience you as either too open with strangers or too closed. Talking about it as a difference in temperament, not in how much you care, can help.
• Online: High scorers often reach out and reply quickly. Low scorers may prefer a few close threads to a wide network.

Can friendliness change?

Personality is fairly stable, but it does change over life and can be influenced.

In a large long-term study of adults, measured with the questionnaire our test's facets are modelled on, warmth followed a curved pattern across adulthood, with scores peaking around age 60.

Two experiments that followed people for 16 weeks found that those who wanted to become more extraverted (or to change any other Big Five trait) tended to change in that direction, both in their self-reports and in their daily behaviour. Concrete plans of the type "when X happens, I will do Y" seemed to help.

If you want to make friends more easily, small practical steps tend to work better than trying to change who you are:

• Assume that people like you more than you think. They probably do.
• Say yes to repeated, low-stakes contact, such as the same class or team every week.
• Take the initiative once more than feels natural, for example by suggesting a coffee.
• Remember that hours together, not perfect conversations, are what build friendships.

Frequently asked questions

Is low friendliness the same as being unfriendly?

No. A low score means you are more reserved and slower to open up, not that you are unpleasant. Many low scorers are both kind and considerate once you get to know them.

Can I be friendly and introverted at the same time?

Yes. Extraversion consists of six facets. You can be warm and easy to get to know in small settings, while still scoring low on gregariousness or activity level.

Why do I find it hard to make friends even though I like people?

There can be many reasons. Some are about friendliness, but feeling uneasy about how others judge you is a different facet, self-consciousness. Life circumstances, such as moving, a busy job or small children, also limit the hours you have available for new friendships.

How is friendliness measured in the Big Five test?

Our test is based on the IPIP-NEO-120, where each facet is measured with four statements. For friendliness, they are about making friends easily, feeling comfortable around people, avoiding contact with others and keeping people at a distance. The last two are scored in reverse. Read the score as a sign of a pattern, not as a complete description of you.

Find out where you score

Friendliness is only one of the six facets of extraversion. You can be warm and easy to get to know, yet still dislike crowds, prefer a quiet pace or avoid the spotlight.

Take the Big Five test and see your whole profile, with all 30 facets.

Sources

• Boothby, E. J., Cooney, G., Sandstrom, G. M. & Clark, M. S. (2018). The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think? Psychological Science, 29(11), 1742–1756.
• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.
• Sandstrom, G. M. & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: The surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910–922.
• Harris, K. & Vazire, S. (2016). On friendship development and the Big Five personality traits. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 10(11), 647–667.
• Terracciano, A., McCrae, R. R., Brant, L. J. & Costa, P. T. (2005). Hierarchical linear modeling analyses of the NEO-PI-R scales in the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Aging. Psychology and Aging, 20(3), 493–506.
• Hudson, N. W. & Fraley, R. C. (2015). Volitional personality trait change: Can people choose to change their personality traits? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3), 490–507.
• Johnson, J. A. (2014). Measuring thirty facets of the Five Factor Model with a 120-item public domain inventory: Development of the IPIP-NEO-120. Journal of Research in Personality, 51, 78–89.