Cooperation: why do some people avoid conflict at any cost?

At the family dinner, someone makes a remark about politics. One person at the table changes the subject immediately. Another lets it slide, even though they disagree. A third leans forward, clearly looking forward to the discussion.

Some people would rather swallow their irritation than risk a quarrel. Others feel that a good argument clears the air.

Why do we react so differently to conflict?

Part of the answer lies in what the Big Five calls cooperation. It is one of six facets of agreeableness, and it describes how strongly you avoid confrontation, and how unlikely you are to shout, insult or take revenge when you disagree with someone.

What does cooperation mean?

The name can sound like it is about teamwork. In the Big Five, the facet is mainly about how you handle disagreement and anger towards others. In the original NEO model it is called compliance.

People who score high often recognise themselves in this:

• You dislike quarrels and try to calm things down.
• You rarely raise your voice or insult anyone, even when you are angry.
• You let things go rather than getting back at people.
• You are willing to compromise, sometimes at the expense of your own wishes.

People who score low are more comfortable with confrontation. They may enjoy a heated debate, say exactly what they think, and push to get their way.

The key is not whether you get angry, but what you do with it when you are in conflict with someone.

Everyone prefers negotiation, but not equally

William Graziano and colleagues asked 263 students to evaluate different ways of resolving conflicts in five types of relationships.

Both high and low scorers on agreeableness agreed that negotiation and pulling back were better choices than power tactics, such as threats or pressure. But those low in agreeableness rated power tactics as a better option than those high in agreeableness did.

In a second study, the researchers filmed pairs who had to solve conflict problems together. Agreeableness was linked to how the conflicts played out, along with gender and who the partner was.

Agreeableness shapes everyday conflicts

Lauri Jensen-Campbell and William Graziano followed young people through two weeks of diary entries about real conflicts in daily life.

Of the Big Five traits, agreeableness was most closely linked to how people responded to conflict. Those who used destructive tactics in conflicts were rated as less well adjusted by teachers who knew them.

A later study of schoolchildren found the same pattern. Pairs of children high in agreeableness had more harmonious and constructive conflicts, according to observers.

Short-circuiting aggression

Why do some people not lash out even when provoked?

Brian Meier, Michael Robinson and Benjamin Wilkowski exposed participants to cues related to aggression. Such cues, for example violent media, can increase both hostile thoughts and aggressive behaviour.

That happened here too, but only for those low in agreeableness. In a second study, aggression-related cues instead activated prosocial thoughts among the most agreeable participants.

The researchers suggested that agreeable people may "short-circuit" the path from provocation to aggression by automatically reaching for friendlier thoughts. The study measured agreeableness as a whole, not the cooperation facet specifically, but it describes a mechanism that fits the facet well.

Do nice people finish last?

A common belief is that people who avoid conflict lose out at work.

Timothy Judge, Beth Livingston and Charlice Hurst found across four studies that more agreeable people earned less, and that the link was more negative for men than for women. They measured agreeableness as a whole, not the cooperation facet. An experiment suggested that agreeable men may meet backlash because they break with expectations about how men "should" behave.

But being disagreeable is not a shortcut to power either. A long-term study we have written about found that disagreeable people did not rise further in organisations than others. Read more in Are disagreeable people more likely to gain power at work?

Cooperation is not the same as low anger

It is easy to confuse cooperation with anger, a facet of neuroticism.

Anger is about how easily you feel irritation and fury. Cooperation is about how you act on it. You can get angry quickly and still bite your tongue. You can also rarely feel angry, but be cold and confrontational when it matters to you.

Cooperation is also different from assertiveness. Assertiveness is about taking the lead and speaking up. You can stand your ground firmly without yelling or insulting anyone. Many people who score high on both assertiveness and cooperation are good at handling conflicts precisely because they say what they mean without attacking.

What does a high or low score mean?

High cooperation

You avoid conflict and are good at calming things down. People find it pleasant to work and live with you, and you rarely cause unnecessary drama.

The risk is that you avoid conflicts that ought to be taken, swallow too much, and let others decide. Over time, unspoken disagreements can grow.

Low cooperation

You are comfortable with confrontation and say what you think. This can be valuable when something needs to be challenged, and in negotiations where you have to stand up for yourself.

The risk is that conflicts escalate more than necessary and that relationships suffer. In Graziano's research, even those low in agreeableness rated negotiation as a better choice than power tactics.

Both descriptions are about typical tendencies, not rules that hold in every situation.

In everyday life

• At work: High scorers create good working environments, but may need to practise raising problems early. Low scorers can drive important changes, but should be aware of how they come across.
• In relationships: Couples where both avoid conflict can end up with many unspoken problems. Couples where both are confrontational may argue often. The key is often how conflicts are resolved, not whether they arise.
• In families: High scorers often become peacemakers. It can be valuable, but also tiring if you always carry the responsibility for keeping the peace.
• Online: Comment sections reward confrontation. Low scorers may find it easy to get drawn into arguments, high scorers often stay away.

Can cooperation change?

Personality is fairly stable, but how you handle conflicts can be learned. A large meta-analysis by Brent Roberts and colleagues of 92 samples found that average levels of agreeableness changed only in old age, so you should not expect it to change on its own over a few years.

The good news is that conflict behaviour is a skill, not just a trait. Some things that help regardless of your score:

• Separate the issue from the person: criticise what was done, not who someone is.
• Take a break when you notice that you are about to say something you will regret.
• If you avoid conflict, practise raising small disagreements early, before they grow.
• If you are confrontational, ask yourself whether winning the argument is worth what it costs the relationship.

Frequently asked questions

Is it unhealthy to avoid conflict?

Not necessarily. Many conflicts are not worth taking. But if you regularly swallow things that matter to you, frustration can build up. The goal is to choose your conflicts, not to avoid all of them.

Does low cooperation mean I am aggressive?

No. Low scorers are more willing to confront and less willing to back down, but that is not the same as violence or a problem with aggression. If anger leads to situations you regret, it can be useful to talk to a doctor or psychologist.

Can I be both kind and direct?

Yes. Directness is about saying what you mean, while low cooperation is about attacking, insulting or retaliating. You can be clear and still respectful.

How is cooperation measured in the Big Five test?

Our test is based on the IPIP-NEO-120, where each facet is measured with four statements. For cooperation, all four are reversed: they are about loving a good fight, yelling at people, insulting people and getting back at others. Read the score as a sign of a pattern, not as a complete description of you.

Find out where you score

Cooperation is only one of the six facets of agreeableness. You can avoid conflict and still score low on trust or altruism.

Take the Big Five test and see your whole profile, with all 30 facets.

Sources

• Graziano, W. G., Jensen-Campbell, L. A. & Hair, E. C. (1996). Perceiving interpersonal conflict and reacting to it: The case for agreeableness. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(4), 820–835.
• Jensen-Campbell, L. A. & Graziano, W. G. (2001). Agreeableness as a moderator of interpersonal conflict. Journal of Personality, 69(2), 323–362.
• Jensen-Campbell, L. A., Gleason, K. A., Adams, R. & Malcolm, K. T. (2003). Interpersonal conflict, agreeableness, and personality development. Journal of Personality, 71(6), 1059–1086.
• Meier, B. P., Robinson, M. D. & Wilkowski, B. M. (2006). Turning the other cheek: Agreeableness and the regulation of aggression-related primes. Psychological Science, 17(2), 136–142.
• Judge, T. A., Livingston, B. A. & Hurst, C. (2012). Do nice guys—and gals—really finish last? The joint effects of sex and agreeableness on income. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(2), 390–407.
• Roberts, B. W., Walton, K. E. & Viechtbauer, W. (2006). Patterns of mean-level change in personality traits across the life course: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Psychological Bulletin, 132(1), 1–25.
• Johnson, J. A. (2014). Measuring thirty facets of the Five Factor Model with a 120-item public domain inventory: Development of the IPIP-NEO-120. Journal of Research in Personality, 51, 78–89.